Willitend

Hi all,

I have been reading this forum for the past 2 years but never had the courage to post.

I am married (13 years) to an addict. I knew when I married him he had been addicted to heroin, benzos and pills in the past, but had 10 years into recovery at this point. Fast forward to 2013 his mum is diagnosed with cancer. He has access to drugs due to his job and he falls right off the wagon, scarily so. I supported him through the first of many detoxes. He’s been on methadone and reduced off. He’s abused his mums morphine, anti psychotics benzos, tranquillisers, over the counter pills. You name it he’s done it. There have been some periods of clean time, but they don’t last long. I did resort to testing him for a time, but I refuse to live like that anymore. Plus he’d just change DOC to pass the test. I have been driven crazy by his lies and manipulation which made me feel I was somehow to blame - if I had been more supportive etc. I have searched and snooped and none of it helps - it makes it worse. I felt like an addict at one point with secrets, waiting for him to leave the room to check something. So I stopped.

I have set boundaries and stick to them but then it’s just so tiring I would give in. I am mentally and emotionally drained.
Yesterday I told him no more. I said I can’t do this anymore. He was under the influence of I don’t know what this time. He is unable to tell me the truth and I can see him scrabbling and panicking to think of something to come up with. I told him I didn’t need to know. He attacks me for voicing this and throws wedding ring off in a tantrum (he’s never grown up) blames me for everything and accused me of ‘picking this time!’ - like I have a choice in this!

Anyway he went. I did not contact him as I usually would. It drove him mad and he text to tell me he’s safe (he’s used suicidal thoughts in the past to manipulate me) I did reply with I wasn’t aware I should be concerned. Which led to a conversation about him staying in the spare bed - I agreed.

We have split before many times, but this time it’s different. I’m not scared. I want this.

I have had enough. It is not the drug use that bothers me the most it is the lies. He has lied about everything from shopping lists to having a child (which doesn’t exist). I am sick of having to play detective.

I know the best thing is no contact. But that’s not possible. He has absolutely no where to go. He doesn’t use with others it’s a lone thing he does. I told him he could stay and we make a plan for him to move out. He kept throwing ridiculous figures about how much it will cost him and all his inheritance is now gone - told me 6 months. I remained calm and gave him a more realistic timescale of 2 paydays. He looked heartbroken.

So question is how do I manage this going forward?

Is it realistic to think I can remain as strong minded as I feel today for the time he’s here or am I kidding myself?

It hurts like hell I feel like the past 13 years has been a lie and my future has been stolen.

I still love him - probably always will. But now I love myself more.

I have lost who am if I’m not the wife of an addict and all the **** that goes along with it. I used to be scared of this but today I am excited to find me again.

I know I’m vulnerable. I lost my mum suddenly before Christmas also so emotionally I’m pretty screwed up at the minute.

Please any advice??