Hmmm. It's pretty complex. My wife got sober 14 years ago. I got sober 4 years ago. There's ten years of hurt right there.
My wife refuses to do marriage counselling, alanon, AA or therapy. Why should she? She's sober so she doesn't need it - I'm the problem here. She's really upset that she got sober whereas I just stopped drinking. I told her very calmly and without anger this morning that she doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety. She just laughed at me and said "Well you would say that - you're not sober, you ridiculous little man".
I'm going to have to rise above feeling resentful about that. That's her position and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
And you're right - she's very damaged, by her birth family and then by me. She deserves my compassion, not my anger.
Oh, and to make it more complex, she may be right. I just spent a full day weeping. That's not an indicator of sobriety. That's sitting on the pity pot.