Originally Posted by Debaucher

RP, I quit the first time in 2/5/2007. I was running and drinking. I was drinking a 12 pack of light beer daily for several years and before that binge drinking 3-5 days a week for years.

I quit... ran 4 marathons, was at 150lbs and ran a sub 20 minute 5k. I was in fantastic shape. I started drinking moderately and broke my ankle in the summer of 2010. For the last 4 years I have been drinking as much as I bought that day. I moderated by not buying too much. But that stopped working and I started driving to the store to get more at 11PM.

I too am "high functioning" as I manage a large organization.

It is killing me. I definitely blacked out on the 24th and lost several hours. My wife is barely talking to me. I have been wanting to go back to AA for months and even attended a meeting in sept. I know I have a problem. I just love drinking. But I am afraid this time. Last time I was depressed and drinking was an escape. I wanted to change my life. This time I'm not depressed. Aside from my wife threatening to leave me, my life is great. But I am slowly dying. I put on over a 100lbs. It hurts to move. I have nerve damage in my right leg. I shake in the afternoon. I can't sleep without a few drinks but a few always turns into 12.

Well I have a choice quit or die. Quit or move out of my house.

I frankly don't know if my now 36 hours of sobriety is for me or to make my wife happy right now, but I don't care. I'll figure it out one day at a time. I want my life from 2009 back. I was a model of fitness. My wife and kids were proud of me. I felt fantastic.

My goal in writing this was to say that my experience sounds much like yours.

I know I have a problem because I can't control it. I can and have controlled when I start drinking but once I start all my good intentions go out the window. I don't know if I am going to drink 8 or 18 beers. I don't know if I'll black out at 3-4 beers or at 12... or at all.

I hated AA when I first went. It still kinda creeps me out. What I can tell you is that in those rooms are well intentioned people of all walks. What I found helped me was to attend many different meetings. I tried new ones all the time. I ended up really liking one group that had successful professionals like me. I also found a few quirky meetings that had folks I couldn't identify with but I felt comfortable because I felt all the more anonymous. Eventually I developed a sense of brotherhood, or belonging with them. It didn't come until I accepted that I didn't have control over my alcohol consumption.

Give it a chance. It will be uncomfortable. Keep looking until you find someone you look up to and they have what you want (just like looking for a mentor in business). If at first you don't find that best person... humble yourself and ask the person you most respect to help you pick a mentor (sponsor). I had to fake it for a long time... before I got healthy.

Eventually I believed I didn't need it anymore and well that was a bad decision I hope to not make again. Day 2 for me... so take all that with a grain of salt.

GL.