ForestFrenzy

Hello everyone and I hope you are all having peaceful and joyous holidays.

Thanks to God, I am still sober. Each night I thank the Lord for another day and night of sobriety, and keeping my resolve strong.

I am here in MN visiting my sister and her family along with my parents, too.

My dad is a winemaker and an alcoholic. As children, his drinking led to emotional and verbal abuse, poured on my mother and then myself and my sister. I have tried to take steps to leave the past behind and remember that I don't have to identify with his struggle, by letting the hurt eat away at me and my chance for a happy life. Well, being in this house - all of us - has forced skeletons out of the closest.

My dad's drinking in the evenings is triggering - not my alcoholism, but that small scared child who recognized when the abuse was about to commence. He drinks in the evenings, passes out for an hour, misses out on the time he says he was looking forward to spending with his grandchildren, rinse and repeat. You all know the cycle.

This evening and a few glasses in, he bullied my mom for not pouring my sister a glass of chardonnay when she arrived from her grueling job at the hospital. His tone of voice, his mannerisms and vicious speech, all familiar and triggering, finally caused eruption in me. I told him to stop bullying my mother who tried, as usual, to downplay what was happening. All the trauma, all the hurt and anger came out. Cross words were spoken, him drunk and trying to bat away my accusations by deflecting onto me, me telling him he is bringing the same abuse we grew up with in the house where his grandchildren are. I won't go into every word spoken. What I will say is I feel raw, exposed and livid. And I am decided that my life is better when he is not around me.

So I am resolved right now to stop contact and avoid him. It hurts, despite how angry and resentful I am, but I want to move on and forward, and I cannot do that when he is drinking and bullying still. He will not accept accountability for his behavior and I cannot force him to. So I feel that is my only option and it is the right one to take.

Has anyone else had to create distance from a parent? I don't know if this is permanent for me, but it's certainly a long-term one. I feel bad because he is my dad, and he will tell you he was a wonderful father but my experience tells me otherwise. I am not punishing him for not being the father I would have liked him to be. I am trying to do what's best for my well-being, and what I know for certain is that being around him makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

I want to go home this very instant. Thankfully, I have one more day here and then I head home on Wednesday.

Thank you for reading and caring, as always.

FF