Sahwen

I dunno where to start. I was a drunk since I was 16--a hardcore, loner drunk. I had my first DT's when I was 19. I managed to somehow put a cap on it when I was 22, the first day of 2013. I was actually sober a lot of the time, but I eventually fell back into smoking weed and taking ambien every night. This went on for three years. But you know? It wasn't a bad three years. Nothing really happened. Sure, I sort of had a shell of a life--and I know i hold this perspective since I'm comparing those easier times to now--but I was relatively happy. I was fit as hell and had a house and a nice car and friends.

Around June of 2016, I decided I was going to have a beer. I don't know why. Well, I do. Reasons I'm sure a lot of you are too aware of. I went down to the local tavern and had a single can of beer. I went home, satisfied that I was no longer alcoholic. Fast forward a year later: my fiancee broke up with me, I was kicked out of my house, and I had run my car off a 40 foot embankment into a creek during a blackout. I got a DUI for the last bit. I was unharmed, besides a few stitches here and there. I got drunk that very night.

The hospital hooked me up with some librium--not my first time detoxing with librium--and besides some minor freak outs the first day detoxing, I was good. I got hooked up with a sponsor and I started delving into AA.

This lasted for about three and a half months before I relapsed. I had just finished my 9th step and my ex(who is a great person and in recovery herself, she just triggers the hell out of me because of my own issues) decided to give me another shot after my amends to her. She called and I actually went to the gas station to get some Steel Reserve while we were talking on the phone. I don't know what it is. It just immediately reactivated that feeling that she was going to leave me again and I immediately had to cope BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENED!

Anyway, drink, drink, drink. For the whole month of september and one day I end up in the driveway of mom's house, in the bed of my truck with a white castle cup full of Jack and Coke.
My brother went through this alcohol **** seven years prior, so she knew I needed to go to detox. She had been aware of my issues with booze throughout my whole drinking career. While we were calling in to make arrangements, I had a minor fit where my body gave out and I almost collapsed. We went to the hospital after that, but they made us wait for two hours and we left, even though I was suffering from serious depersonalization and altered reality.

I can't really remember anything until I got to detox. I was assured that it was medical and I would be comfortable. WRONG! It was a non-medical detox and my sponsor had been coordinating with my mom to make sure I felt every second of my withdrawal. I have a massive resentment about this. I had massive tremors and I was hallucinating rats and insects for two days straight. I asked to go to the ER multiple times the first night. They called my mom to ask if it was okay for me to get medical treatment and she denied them.
Poor me, right? I'll deal with the resentment through the 12 steps, but I'm almost 3 months sober and I have found this site massively helpful and inspirational. I'm currently getting my life back together and it's really hard most days. Thank god for AA and recovery in general. That's my story and thanks for having me!