wpainterw

The “Child Within”: Learning by Unlearning

Despite the apparent skepticism of Freud’s theories in modern psychiatric circles, some of his basic insights may continue to be useful. Among these is the influence which parents have over young children from birth and for the first few years thereafter. This, along with a child’s genetic heritage, seems inevitable. One of my parents, for example, was depressed her entire life. I remember her sadly crying and her two or three journeys to a facility in Connecticut, where she spent two or three weeks and returned in high spirits, only to relapse again. In addition, she seemed very unsure of herself at times and inherited from her mother a tendency to be perfectionist and obsessive compulsive. Later on I recall that, when I published my first book, she commented, “Aren’t you concerned that it might have a mistake somewhere which could be enbarrassing?” Later on I learned that it is impossible to publish a book without making some error. If I were paranoid I might think that the book somehow knows where the errors are, for often if I open a new book at random then the first thing I see is a mistake, as if the book were laughing at me and saying, “Gotcha!”
Alcoholism, I found, delayed what I hope became my eventual maturity, my “learning by unlearning”. It exacerbated my depression (for alcohol is among the most effective depressing self medications). What Rational and Smart Recovery calls my Addictive Voice (“AV”) often referred to as the “Beast” made things worse, for in many respects it may resemble a small child screaming “I want what I want when I want it and I want it right now!”. Indeed, calling it a “Beast” may be a misnomer. A better term may be the “child within” for in many ways it is loving, dependent in a wide eyed way, appreciating flowers, animals, and even parents, expecially parents who are loving, warm and hug you. Indeed, the “child within” may even be thought of as having its own wisdom, a unique access to spirituality and even to what may be called the “sublime”. It has been written that, having love and simplicity, “a little child shall lead” those who believe in “salvation”. And if a child encounters a sublime spectacle, like the Grand Canyon, a mighty waterfall or a majestic mountain, it may have its own unique understanding of its awesome beauty and simplicity. A wide eyed wonder at something transcending ordinary things.
So where does that leave us, leave me ? A significant item in what the physicians refer to as the etiology of alcoholism is genetic (some say as much as 60 percent), another significant factor is the “child within”, and its all too human response to the body’s effort to adapt to alcohol, building up “tolerance”, which means a reliance on alcohol just to feel “normal” and prevent “withdrawal”. As the situation progresses down what is often called the “slippery slope”, recovery becomes increasingly more difficult, less likely and relapses more common. Statistics become unreliable. In my own situation, despite over 29 years of sobriety, no one who ever treated me took the trouble to follow me up. No one since my first diagnosis in 1958, a total of over 60 years. I could be dead for all they know. The only people who might know are those who started to help me out in 1988, thirty years later. If I had not managed to quit drinking I would indeed have been dead. Long ago. For me it was indeed a slippery slope or, if you prefer a different metaphor, a hole in which an alcoholic gets a shovel and digs himself in deeper.
As for my “child within”, despite all the conventional rhetoric of caging the “Beast”, the child is well and healthy, Due to my long period of sobriety, it hardly ever suggests that I try to “solve” my anxieties by drinking but it cries out in other ways. I find my “sweet tooth” hard to handle and I am anxious that I do not overdose on glucose, take a blood reading now and then just to make sure. (I have on occasion noticed that men my age with comparative sobriety occasionally appear grossly overweight). I have grown dependent on my dog, like a recovered alcoholic who developed a dog dependency. (the late Caroline Knapp, the author of “Pack of Two”). I tend to be compulsive and still cope with the perfectionst streak I seemed to inherit from my parent. Despite my sobriety I am often depressed, overly anxious, whether it be with political situations or imagined financial “crashes”. My parent worried a lot and the child within carries on the family tradition of “what if…”! Sobriety has taught me much about my child and about myself. Some call this finally reaching “maturity” but my child within will never be “mature” or other than a child. That part of me which is more “grown up”, rational, adult, however one describes that, relates to my child as its parent, loving, watching and, if need be, controlling it. Freud, although he may be discredited in other ways, was instinctively right in others. Call it the “id, ego or superego”- the terms may be outdated but such concepts may be a rough description of the way the brain works.
With an alcoholic history and despite the success of my recovery, I must thus be wary of my “child within”. But I shall also respect it, nuture its love and childlike wisdom. For it can be my worst enemy and, at other times, my wise and closest friend. 


W.