MindfulMan

I feel for you, having suffered through a lot of depression in my life. No soul, looking forward to death to end the suffering, isolating at home and feeling like the walls are closing in...it all sounds sadly familiar.

"Goes in cycles" could be bipolar disorder that lives on the depressive end of the spectrum. Also, if you're in the Northern Hemisphere, we are heading into winter, with very short days. If you also have SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) laid over any sort of depressive/mood disorder, light therapy can help tremendously. My brother lives in Alaska and it nearly saved his life, it works for me even though we really don't get winter here. Getting out into the world and daylight and people and life as much as you can may help, even for a little while. Also ANY exercise that you can do when you're feeling this way will make you feel much better. I know that the thought of exercise and movement when I'm in a dense depression makes me feel even more lazy and useless because motivation for ANYTHING is lacking, but do it when you're up for it.

PLEASE speak with your psychiatrist when you can. There may be pharmaceutical help that can work to help to lift the depression.

I'm not an AA person, but I went through some pretty heavy depression in earl(ier) recovery, and being in a group of sober people really helped me out a great deal.

Again, I feel you, and it's hard to move and do anything to break the depressive cycle, but you've had this before and it's lifted. Look forward to that and try and have a bit of hope. If drinking is involved, that IS something you can do for yourself AND you've done it before. It's something to do and will get you out of the house. Working on my sobriety was almost magical in my depression.

Please keep checking in. People here DO care about you.