Originally Posted by
hpdw 
This is interesting .
I wonder if I should let be what is .
When I try to look deep inside I mean really sit there and be as close to who I was when I was as perfect as I can remember my ego takes over and wont let me . Its like the ego refuses to be removed it hates destruction and will even make you unwell to get attention . Sounds whacko ? yes
Not at all. That's normal. That's the ego. And we have addict egos that are hyper sensitive to protecting itself through lying and manipulation.
Meditation is the tool. Sharpen it and become its master tech.
You only know what you know though and are limited on how effective you can make it without outside guidance.
Books, forums, audios, and attending a budhist type meditation center is helping me.
It's also worth mentioning that AA / NA is a big help too. Your new life story could be that you are a recovering alcoholic that helps others achieve what you did. That could be your identity...altruism.
Plus going through the 12 steps will reveal a lot about who you are to yourself. At a minimum, you'll get a solid look at your ego.
The more you see your ego, the more you sense / understand that part of you which can observe the ego. That make sense? So don't be mad that the ego takes over. As long as you stick it out in meditation long enough that you recognize the ego at work.
Be thankful the ego shows itself because you can't recognize the real you without it. Especially in meditation. Taking this approach will lead you to a point where you'll realize the ego is revealing its kinks in the armor.
It's defenses are strongest around the doorways.