KG77: Good luck on this journey!
I'm with Bunny: you dont need to overthink this or try to figure concepts like "surrender", etc. Get to an AA Meeting, raise your hand and simply say "I'm KG and I'm an alcoholic..." That may change your life and bring you relief -- you are one among many millions; forget what society may seem to say---we know well that there is no stigma in being an alcoholic in recovery ---but, trust me, if you're worried about what "they" think about you being in AA, they think a lot worse about how you are in your drinking!! Just let go and let people help you --listen to them; ask them for help and guidance; they will offer you love forgiveness and hope. You may know when you leave the meeting that you have found where you belong, you never need to feel that bad again, and you will be OK!!