mrrryahj

I've been sober about 3 weeks after a pretty brutal relapse. Prior to that I had 5 months clean & sober. Prior to that I was "in and out" for a while, trying to manage my drug & alcohol addiction the best I can, while burning my life to the ground piece by piece.

I've had a sponsor who has stuck by me through all of this and seen me through some crazy situations. Hospitalizations, serious injuries, legal stuff, all the drama & crap that goes along with the craziness of addiction.

Anyways, I met with her today and she was just expressing what a miracle it is that I'm still alive, how it almost makes her cry to even think about it, and her words just really hit home. I think I believed them for the first time... and it really scared me. I feel this overwhelming fear of relapse and I know that if I pick up again there is a good chance I won't make it back.

I feel like I really need help more than ever, like I'm accepting for the first time the devastating nature of my situation and I feel helpless and hopeless and alone and scared. I finally see clearly just how bad things really are, and that I can't do this alone.

Is this what surrender feels like? I'm scared to even be hopeful for a moment because I've let myself down so many times before in the past.