Searching, please know that you are not alone. I am a single mom of a teen & pre-teen with STBXAH coming around when it's convenient for him. It has been a long journey but kids are so much healthier without his daily presence in our lives. I, however, am still a mess emotionally for the most part so I understand the loneliness. That being said, I am so much stronger and capable than I ever thought possible and you are too. Somehow, you get the strength to do what needs to be done for that day. Keep reaching out, maybe get to Alanon if you can. You need support and comfort like all of us do. I am praying for you!