Soulful

3 days since I have moved out. I feel less "on the edge" and I am definitely sleeping better. I actually reached out to my AH's brother and told him everything. This isn't the first time I talked to him about this, this is actually the 3rd time since my AH and I have been together that I told him family about his problem.
Anyhow, this time I was a little nervous, because I didn't reach out for help. I reached out to let them know I am moving forward with the divorce and that I want them to know because I am genuinely worried about him.

My maid that is cleaning my home has found a ton of blood near his bed and sent me pictures that really worried me. We are talking A LOT of blood, not drops. She also said that he looks very ill.

His brother agrees that he needs to be removed from Mexico and to never come back here again and he asked I change my locks. He also agrees that the divorce should be uncontested, that my decision to not involve lawyers is the right one and that I should have full custody. He also feels my AH needs immediate professional help.

Noone wants to drag this to court and I have no intentions in making this harder than it is. I don't want anything from my AH except whatever the court asks him to send for his child, which I am going to put in my son's savings account anyways. To be honest, I don't even want child support either, but I think in all fairness, my son deserves that money in his bank account, and my AH has a responsibility towards him, so I will let the Superior Court determine that.

My challenge right now is questioning what happened. What the heck happened? I mean, I knew this man did cocaine (here and there). For crying out loud, he was at my wedding with my ex-husband and he was telling me he was doing lines in the bathroom at the reception. I mean, COME on, how can I be so blind?

There were so many instances where he binged, but I really didn't know anything about cocaine. I had no idea why he is in so much debt, why he has no motivation to grow as a person, I had no idea why he always yelled and demanded "alone time with his friends" (there is a big difference between spending time with friends and DEMANDING I don't go with him) I had no idea why he would search for escorts on the computer. I have no idea how many times he cheated on me.

I have been reading through the emails between me and I and I realized that throughout the 10 years we have been together, he has always done drugs. I have no idea what was real between me and him. Was the whole relationship fake? I feel I know nothing about him now.

Did I really waste all this time? Why did I completely close my eyes and ignored the signs? What happened to me?

I have so many questions and I thought I would find more peace, but instead I can't stop interrogating myself about this mess. How do I begin to make sense of all of this chaos, so I can find some peace, get closure and move forward with my life?