Hi Press, I am rooting for you, great job not drinking today. in my experience alcohol would height those suicidal feelings, the misery would get real then.
you are good enough don't let your brain lie to you into believing you are not. go to different meeting move around every meeting is different and you will find one you like.
listen to yourself so you can identify when you are in trouble so you can ask for help. reading your post the fact you skipped antabuse just make me stop in my tracks, if i do that or other similar behaviors i know that deep down I'm preparing to drink.
get ahead of your head and take care of yourself. happy thanksgivings!