Originally Posted by
laur24 
Can you explain? I am lacking in self-awareness right now.
All I feel when I wake up is sadness and confusion and I start questioning myself. Maybe if I had gone to more meetings, things wouldn't have turned out this way. Maybe I wouldn't have scared him off with my alcoholic behavior (I started asking him to define the relationship only weeks after knowing him). I feel as though I ruined things.
I'm really hating myself right now.
This wasn't posted to me, but I have a couple of thoughts -
Learning to trust myself to make good decisions has been a process indeed; one I'm still working on! I often think of the BB with assurance here - the part on 84-88 when it talks about "intuitively knowing how to handle things that used to baffle us." For me, this has become more and more true (I am 21 mo sober this week) and I can especially see this when I have made decisions through talking with my sponsor and sober friends, prayer, honest discussion with my fiance....
Sitting in and through bad or even just "normal" feelings feels strange and uncomfortable for awhile. That other part in the BB about disturbance and aggravation - ugh, so true for me in major ways early on (like first 100 days) then popping up at intervals, like a weekish around 4 mo, around 9....now, it's more like a few hours, maybe a day or two over something big, that I wrestle, if I do...
Being gentle with myself - and letting "time take time" which is a sometimes annoying saying in AA! - has been a learning process. I apply this to big and small things. Like...it's ok if I struggle with deciding not to go to Thgvg with my FOO even though I know it was the right decision (that whole worrying about what they think thing, or any codependent/pleaser stuff!), or it's ok if I go to bed at 7p because I have expended enough energy for one day, or....
I will also add to my first comments to you that as far as a relationship goes, I could/can only do it with one of the most solid men I have ever known. My dad is a guiding example of that and my fiance is up there with him - our situation is VERY unique in that he has loved me since we were 15 and dated in high school, he looked me up out of the blue summer of '16, is in recovery too - and we have/are building a life that is joyful, drama free, focused on both of our recoveries, family based (I'm inheriting two teenagers).....and frankly, this is the only kind of relationship I could "risk" - my point here is that the more sobriety we get, the better able we are to make good decisions, and be proud of them, in all areas of our lives.
Take care of you and keep going!