I think I've spent most of my life avoiding feeling negative emotions, just poured alcohol on top of it or got high over it. Now I'm forced to sit with those feelings. I don't know if it's actual depression or just me not being used to the normal highs and lows of life. I think I've been isolating too much and that is feeding into things. I'm not responding to calls and texts from friends and family, preferring to cocoon into myself. I'm not finding being a caregiver to my family to be fulfilling lately, it just feels like a never ending life of drudgery and repetition. I don't feel like I have much to give away right now and they all need so much from me and my cup feels empty. I think I'm lonely too. I don't have any sober girl friends who live close by. Nobody in my real life understands what it's like to get sober and make the kinds of changes I've made. I tried to tell a friend who I hadn't talked to in awhile but who I go way back with and I felt judged, like quitting meant I wasn't able to handle partying or like a weakness or something. That bugged me because I see it as being the opposite. I think it takes guts to make a change when it's needed. I know I've got to make a plan to find a new social circle but I can't seem to find the motivation to go do it. I think these feelings are a signal that it's time to make some more changes and start being more proactive.
The memory thing is embarrassing. Even when I was drinking I remembered my responsibilities. But things are literally flying right out of my mind and I don't even realize I forgotten until I'm reminded. It's weird.