I think one of the hardest things for me is not knowing of divorce would be THE ANSWER. So here I am, waiting for financial settlement after 17 months--- and that would be helpful for moving on at my age- I am 63. I had expected to be retired by now but instead I am working, and living in an 800 square foot apartment.
So that is worse. My kids hate me- that is worse. and not what I expected.
What is better? I don't live with an active alcoholic. I don't live with a man who abuses me verbally and would have let me die rather than take me for medical treatment. The people in my life treat me with kindness and love.
I get the feeling you still love your husband. That has to make the decision so hard. But.. does he love you? I have decided love looks like love. I also decided I will never get these years back- I will not live forever. I wanted a different life. That helped me move on. That and realizing that was so not what I thought a marriage would be like. I expected kindness, love, caring, and reliability. I was willing to give that, and I did not receive it in return.