Vivisectus

So, a few weeks in and after an initial struggle to communicate clearly, things went pretty well. We agreed to communicate more clearly, and this seemed to go well.

Then early this weekend, I had a bizarre experience. Mrs Sectus was talking about some of the people in her network of fellow recovering addicts. At that stage I started to feel the urge to interfere, to be a part of that.

I even said it. So far so good: I felt the urge, I said I was feeling it, and this should have helped me avoid it.

But then later, she said she was feeling overwhelmed. She was not managing to do all the AA meetings she was supposed to do for her after-care program. She was only 1 meeting behind, so not too bad)

I could feel myself getting upset, and I knew exactly what it was. Getting herself worked up over things that have to be done, and then spending more time fretting than doing something about it is something I have come to fear. It sometimes means a drinking bout is coming. It is like the ground-work is being put in place that will later form an excuse to drink.

I knew perfectly well that this is where I generally go wrong. First I try to solve the problem for her, as if I am trying to talk it away. Then I get frustrated when that does not work. Finally I just get resentful and angry, and then I stop talking to her. I just go and do my own thing in an sulky huff. I don't really do much: I just isolate myself and become completely unavailable.

It is the classic alcy/codie trap: you try to interfere with someone else's problem uninvited. Then you get angry at them when this does not work. This somehow feels safer than admitting that you really cannot manage someone else's alcoholism. It gives you an illusion of control.

And here is the weird thing: somehow knowing what I was doing did not matter. I successfully stopped myself from doing it and kept talking at first, but then as the conversation went on, it came right back. Then Mrs Sectus ended the conversation on a pretext... I guess she didn't want to hear it, and she was having enough trouble dealing with herself.

I got all mad about that. And I got unreasonable when she tried to discuss it later on. First I did not want to talk at all. Then, when we did discuss it, I was trying to blame things that, when she does them, do upset me... but that she was not doing at the time. I was just trying to justify the very strong feelings of anger and resentment. I was not talking about what was actually in front of me at all.

And the weird thing is that I could see myself acting in this way, knew what it was that I was doing, and did it anyway. It was like I could not stop myself.

I thought knowing what it was would be enough to stop it from happening, but it wasn't.

This morning, as I was driving Mrs Sectus to work, I admitted it. I apologized and explained that I got myself stuck in that reactive pattern. It was received in a stony silence. That was actually rather helpful, as I am a very slow talker, and it takes me a long time to formulate my thoughts. In regular conversation that tends to leave me feeling that I left a lot unsaid, and that the things I do say do not really reflect what I am thinking.

I am trying to think of some way to interrupt that pattern in the future. It is going to come up. I really thought being aware of it would be enough, but it wasn't this weekend. I tried the mindfulness techniques that have worked rather well in the past, but I found I could not get away from that chain reaction inside me.

Worse: there was a sense of relief, giving in and playing out this old, habitual pattern. I mean it is kind of nice, isn't it? You get to just abandon responsibility and have a good ole sulk and tell yourself everyone else is a jerk and no-one understands you. Only it doesn't do anyone a blind bit of good. I still feel angry and dejected, and that is not good for me, or for my family.

So I guess that is something for me to work on this week. How do I interrupt this chain when I feel myself triggering. ****** as it was, it is very interesting to consciously experience it. To feel it play out in myself while I knew what was going on. But it is also a little scary to realize that despite this, I did not manage to stop it.