Back after a long hiatus - a week sober.
Some of you guys may remember me, most probably not. If you do - please holler at me through PM I would love to reconnect!
I'll spare the long winded story of my tragic battle with addiction. Been fighting this thing (at first half heartedly and for the last couple years with much more conviction) for the last 10-15 years since I was a young teenager. Graduated from sneaking booze from my parents liquor cabinet to smoking crack, then IV drugs, countless treatment centers and sober houses, more meetings than I could ever count, sponsors, working the steps, smart recovery, psychotherapy, PTSD treatments, books, Trauma based therapy, the lists go on.
So I guess the common denominator in all of these attempts is... hmmmmm... ME! I do not feel sorry for myself in this regard, don't get me wrong. I have always just struggled with letting go of that darned ego that tells me "maybe I can just figure this thing out some day......"
Sometimes I just wish I could get a lobotomy - ya feel me? I'm' my own worst enemy. My brain has a contract out on my a**!
I am currently in a cycle of maintaining periods of sobriety which are followed by devastating relapse. I guess it's better than how I used to be - drinking/using every single day? Or maybe it's worse? I really don't know. All I know is I want it to stop.
But I'm here, back again, because I don't want to die this way. I lost one of my best friends a couple of days ago, she drank herself to death at the age of 31. I'm planning her celebration of life right now. And that might, no, will, be me if I continue to relapse.
I'm also struggling with mad depression and anxiety including agoraphobia which makes it difficult to leave my house some days (even my bedroom some days) so I am really hoping I will find some support on here and connect with some of you fine people when I can't make it out into the real world.
Hope you are all having a fantastic sober day regardless! And thank you for being here!