I'd been to AA (both ordered and voluntary) before and decided "it wasn't for me" as well.
Things got worse and worse for me from the point at which you seem to be....
Eventually, I decided that continued despair and awfulness, continued ruination of my life, continued descent down the black hole of addiction was what "wasn't for me".
At that point, I went back to AA with an openness to see what if could offer me as part of my journey to a sober, happy, grateful, joyous and present life.
I'm not an "AA" in the classic sense... but without AA's in-person support, the big book, the guidance, the fellowship and the lessons I was able to glean from it as part of my toolkit I would definitely not have attained sobriety.
And here I am today; happy, sober, grateful, joyous, present and free in a life that is far and away better than my life with drinking and drugs ever was.
