Welcome to SR. Lots of support and inspiration here. And lots of people in the same position as you. Many of us have done things we are subsequently embarrassed about because of excessive alcohol consumption. I got blackout drunk on Saturday afternoon and have no recollection of what I did or said. That is history and cannot be rewritten. What matters is what we do from now. We all have a chance to change our destiny and write a better future. If the title of your post is accurate, that is a huge step. Determination and change. Both challenging. But both essential. Don't worry too much about what other people think. Do it for yourself. Good luck and stay determined.