i think that for a long time you said something like this in your head:
IF ONLY he would quit drinking, our lives would be great.
IF ONLY he would HEAR me and do something about HIS problems, our lives would be great.
altho i am certain you do care for his well being, for a long time his "getting better" was the key to YOU GUYS getting better. in your mind, his sobriety would FIX everything.
so today the urge to "help" with the subtle undertone of "maybe then we could...." is still there.
here's the hard part. accepting that just because WE think/believe that someone ELSE needs help/to get better/to change, that has zero bearing on how they GET to live their own lives. trust me, i get it....my husband and i go 'round and 'round on an issue, and i am convinced that I AM RIGHT, while HE is confident that I AM WRONG, and it is HIS life anyways. against absolutely everything i have learned here and put into practice, i argue my point, i defend my point, i yell my point, i hold fiercely ON to my point with a death grip and i am seemingly incapable of just letting it go, shutting the hell up, letting him be him.
either it's my NEED to be right........or i am right. lol but regardless, it causes me nothing but grief and a sore throat.
with that said, the farther you stay OUT of HIS stuff, the better it will be for you. the sooner you can just let him be him and no longer be on the campaign trail of helping him see the light, the better it will be for you.