soberexpat

Hi guys,

I don't know where to start! I'm currently scare ********, to say the least. For the last 6 months I've been planning on studying Polish for family reasons. When I found out I could get an implant that will make you deathly ill if you drink, I thought it sounded like a good idea. Now in one hour I'm leaving to get it done.

A bit about about the implant, for anyone that's curious. The active ingredient is called disulfiram, most people know it as antabuse. If you drink after taking the medication you will get extremely sick. If you drink enough it can cause blindness or even death. Many people take tablets but the problem is that you can stop taking them and drink after a week or so (which I probably would). The implant is called esperal here in Poland. It's done with local anesthetic and subcutaneous disulfiram is inserted, lasting for about 1 year.

Why would I take such an extreme option? Well, I'm just over 30. I used to be the life of the party, and I've lived all over the world. Drugs and alcohol always made it easy for me to meet people and forget my insecurities. About 5 years ago I drastically reduced my drug intake and became very career focused. I had also met my current wife who hates drug use. It was easy for me to justify drinking every day after working. The drugs are no longer an issue (I can't handle the comedown etc). Alcohol, however, has taken up entirely to much space in my mind. 9 months ago I quit my job, sold everything and planned a year of travel with my life savings. I thought it might snap me out of my rut. Well, my year has been a drunken success. I've been to over 20 countries and was drunk or hungover the entire time.

My wife knows I am getting this implant. She agrees that I need to do it and has agreed to keep it secret (I don't want anyone to know). I actually work in a field directly involved in addictions which has made this experience even more shameful. I can't imagine going back to work next year while drinking like this.

Of course I have tried to stop myself. The most I've made it was around 2 weeks. Otherwise I've been drinking pretty much daily for 11 years. I would always find some excuse, fail at cutting down, make promises to my wife I didn't keep. This implant is going to take that choice away from me for a year. I've heard of people drinking whilst on this medication (in fact I've seen it at work and picked up the pieces) Of course I'm ******* scared! There is absolutely no way I will "test" my implant.

I don't think my wife understands how bad this problem has got for me and I don't really want her to. This is why I am joining this forum. Hopefully I can talk to people who understand. I am well aware of the fact that this a band aid solution and I need to get other support.

I've got nothing but respect for AA. I've seen it save people's lives but it's not for everyone. It's most definitely not for me. My plans are to replace drinking with studying and exercise, as well as work on my relationship with my wife. Ideally, I would like to find other people to chat with that have implants or take disulfiram in order to share experiences.

Times up, guess I'm going to get this bloody thing inserted. Wish me luck!

Thanks for your time and feedback