Hope
I'm really depressed at the moment. I can't seem to find joy in anything. The best I can look forward to in any day is the ability to just survive it. At best, I will wake up at a normal hour and go through the motions; smile when it is required; talk when needed.
Of course, it's not surprising that I've been drinking. I have not been able to convince myself that things will get better if I stop drinking. But one thing I don't need convincing about is that things will definitely get worse if I continue to drink.
Where I'm stuck is this; Is this all I can look forward to, though? The choice between bad and worse? How do I get past 'bad' and 'worse' and achieve 'good'. I don't know how to find happiness.
I've never been a happy person, really, though. Most of my adult life I've dealt with lots of fear, indecision, anxiety, stress and depression. But there have been easier times in the past. Thinking of achieving happiness might be too much to ask for right now though. But what about normalcy and a comfortable, productive routine?
As I write this, I see that I am getting the answer to my own question. My life is not normal and not productive right now due largely to my drinking. If I cut that out, I should achieve some normalcy and a bit of productive routine. That's all I want for now.
It would be nice to be reminded though that with time, perhaps a bit of happiness will sneak into my life if I stay sober. Because right now all I see is darkness.