Heya Squirrel. I get it . . . hmmm . . . well at least my own version of "it" AKA clinical depression. It certainly wasn't what I wanted to deal with in life. After decades, I have kinda-sort-sometimes accepted that . . . yep . . . .this is my life's project. I do whatever helps as much as I can and do it fairly badly sometimes.
Peace to you. It is not not not fun.