Stacy......alcoholics don't drink to defy us....they drink because there is a battle going on in their head...24/7....that feels like life and death to them. The alcoholic voice whispers to them, all the time, that it is o.k. to drink....even when they look o.k., to us, on the outside. The compulsion to drink is intense.
They don't drink because they want to disappoint or hurt us...it is what alcoholics do....hence the term, for the disease...alcoholism.
Of course, it DOES hurt us....Most alcoholics who are in genuine recovery will tell how ashamed of themselves, and how guilty they felt while falling to relapse...
I don't think a non-alcoholic can ever know how an alcoholic feels, inside....
It takes more than just the desire or wish to stop drinking (but, that helps)...it takes more than will power...Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for a period of time...a few days/weeks/months.....but, the alcoholic voice will whisper to them at their most vulnerable times....
This is why it is so important to have a commitment to a vigorous progam...like AA. Not just to go to a couple of meetings...but, to actually work the steps with a sponsor, and a counselor/therapist for themselves, individually. It takes a lot of time and hard work...often a meeting every day...or more than one each day, for some people...and work with their sponsor....It has to become their first priority...above all else! They have to want it bad enough to do the hard work that it requires.
I hope you have read about the true nature of alcoholism....
And I hope you have read the articles in our library about alcoholism and the effects on them and their loved ones....There is sooo much to know....
I am, also, giving you a link to another specific article about how to gauge where your alcoholic is on the "readiness" spectrum.....I hope you will read it....as, I think it is a pretty good yardstick.....
I suggest that when you go to your alanon meetings, that you take your daughter to alateen meetings....as it is just as important for her, as for you.....
I think that, at 17yrs., she is probably old enough to read the literature that explains what alcoholism is actually all about.....
Later...she could get a lot of support from Adult Children of Alcoholics.....it is for anyone with an alcoholic parent....
When someone relapses...I have always told them...!get right back up on the horse"....(I have worked with a lot of alcoholics).....But, that is just me...lol.....[/Q
In the end I think I really need to figure out if I can stay in this marriage or not! I think because my husband has a good job, most would never know he was an alcoholic & he is a great Dad, I tell myself those are reasons to stay but I forget about me. I am not happy & in the end I really do not want to learn to live with the disease. I do not want a marriage that places boundaries on us because my husband is an alcoholic but I also struggle to leave because my son adores him. My 17 year old daughter is from a previous marriage who has never been in her life & my husband legally adopted me. She is in counseling but has given up on my husband. I am torn between my 2 kids & making the right choice for all but I am tired of being on this hamster wheel. I have educated myself as much as the next & I know this is not something easy to quit & I know he has to REALLY want it & I am tired of all his excuses. So again in the end I need to choose & that is hard too!