Sweetichick, hello!
I have read your posts for a while, and it pains me to see you be so self destructive. Your illness (alcoholism) certainly has many, many escape mechanisms to get away from true recovery. In biology, on a molecular level, an escape mechanism is a mutation that will keep a disease resistant to drug treatment.
Escape mechanisms I have read from you:
Your boyfriend.
Your neighbor.
AA Philosophies.
Didn't have a car.
Did have a car.
Worried about your will.
Think your children hate you.
Your disorder has used these and other excuses to keep from getting real help and real recovery.
You deserve a peaceful and happy life, Sweetichick. I hope some day you believe that, too. You are the only one who can make that happen.