Hello!
I was like you. Not a daily drinker and never craved alcohol but once it was on, it was on till the end. I was a horrible binge drinker and at the end of my drinking career I was having a lot of blackouts. I would have to wake up and put the pieces together apologize etc. I would have that gut wrenching feeling when you know something is off.
I tried moderating for years and also doing the alcoholic math. Wine only and then a glass of water in between. One cocktail an hour. A few beers home by 1, 3 glasses of water and 3 Advil and no shower so I can sleep in a little bit later. .. you get the picture.
Moderating never worked for me and it was like playing Russian roulette because I never knew when I was going to be OK and when everything was going to go to hell.
I suggest that you start educating yourself and hanging out here and posting. Ever since I found this place I have been able to make a real difference in my life and I am so happy. Moderation is really mentally exhausting and I was just over all those games.
Hope to see you around.