squirrel6

Hello all. I hate depression, I hate not feeling good enough, I hate that when I do feel good I find reasons not to, I hate that I constantly make the same mistakes, I hate that I can't accept myself for who I am, I hate that I can't let go of regrets, I hate that no one goes completely out of their way for me like I do for them. I hate that I am scared talk to the people closest to me about my inner most thoughts, I hate that I can't deeply connect with anyone, I hate how lonely I feel even when I'm surrounded by people who love me. I hate that I have never felt like a normal person, and mostly, I hate the misery of not being able to deal with depression.
I am on medication, but it has barely taken the edge off. I really don't want to see a shrink, but I am starting to feel like I need to. I feel stuck in life, I can't let anything go, I'm tired of being miserable. I only get one or two days a week when I feel normal, the rest of the time I feel like I am fighting for air, like I'm drowning.

Anyone else feel the same way? I hate this, I have a great family and great friends, I should not feel like this, but I have for most of my life. I struggled bad in middle school, put everyone around me through hell, I don't want to go back to that, but I've had a lot of bad memories from then creep into my mind, and I hate it. I thought I buried it years ago, but the crap is creeping back up.

I already feel better just putting this in writing.