I'm really sorry ktf - but you know me, I gotta try to spin the positive in this stuff....
These types of challenges in my recovery ultimately showed me things about myself & my growth (or lack thereof) that I would not have been able to see fully otherwise. Beyond my newfound abilities to change the way I reacted to the situation, I found that I was able to ACT independently of it as well. Meaning, I didn't just press pause and wait for the crisis to play itself out in a safe zone, I actively lived my life & continued to pursue my interests, etc.
It was such a process. At first it was a huge success to just not get dragged into the drama. Then I worked on separating emotionally in addition to physically, but that kept me in this sort of vacuum where I didn't get enmeshed but I also didn't progress. Eventually I graduated to total separation - inasmuch as one CAN fully separate in a marriage with kids & shared finances. Detachment AND continued, independent, progressive & unapologetic living of our lives for both DD & myself.
In fact, my biggest confirmation that I was on the right path when RAH relapsed years ago was DD's reaction to it at the time (she was 9) - "I've got a test today that is REALLY important, I CANNOT miss school - that sucks for dad, but he put himself there too. I really need to focus on this test right now."
I'm sorry this is happening in your world right now & especially sorry that it sounds like you & DS were there to witness a least part of it.
