I talk a good game, and I try to be positive. I hoped to have a good time this evening at the wedding, but it was terrible. I was anxious and stressed. My fiancee knew the bride and I knew no one but my fiancee. I felt out of place and extremely awkward. It was like being in a bar. The wedding was at a hotel. Everyone was drinking and they kept bringing champagne around and pouring glasses. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want one. I said no over and over again, and I eventually felt like screaming it.
My flesh felt like it was crawling and people were asking me if I was all right. I just wanted them to leave me alone.
I've never been much of a social person, and I was mostly a solitary drinker. I get social anxiety, and I had it in spades this evening.
But I toasted the bride and groom with my glass of tea, and it will be better tomorrow.
A year is a great, amazing start, but I guess this is a lifelong struggle. I get a lot more good days than bad ones at this point, but this was a bad one.
Deep breaths, chamomile tea, an hour or so with a good book, and tomorrow will be okay.
I don't regret it. These people are important to my love, and it meant a lot for me to be there with her.