Originally Posted by
dandylion 
Kbagel.....I have no problem, from my point of view, in your showing/telling her how she is hurting you...or, asking her specifically why she is "no longer in love with you and wants a divorce".....
I think tha is just common sense for any one who is faced with this sudden and drastic change of heart and behaviors. It is like the first logical thing to do if an appliance does't work--check to see if it is plugged in. or not....or, "jiggle the handle" when the toilet isn't filling properly.....
Should be done...but, that doesn't mean that those actions will absolutely give you the answer the dilemma of why they aren't working....they are just the first, simplest actions MIGHT resolve the problem.....the first thing on the check list to do.
I think you might h ave done those, already...? Has she seen you cry? Have you a sked her why the sudden change of heart and the obsessive behaviors?
I think that the, maybe, well meaning people, are supposing that she would respond reasonably to this. We know, that addicts don't always react reasonably to the efforts of those close to them.
I am thinking that she may be so "high" on the relationsip with this other person...whatever it is, that she isn't motivated to look at the reality of your relationship with her, right now. Just another way of running away from personal responsibility ...
This leaves you with the option of dealing with her at face value.....
You can plead and cry until the cows come home...but, if she is determined to turn away, then, she has free w ill and you can't force her to care and do what you want....
I hope you are going to get in front of the lawyer, very soon....as well as mak e a plan of your own action. I don't know...but, maybe it would be good for the immediate, if she were to move out in separation....so that she can wo rk on her recovery, in her own space...and, leave you the space to work on whatever is in your best welfare....
I totally get that you want answers....who wouldn't!? You could even write her a letter detailing how you are hurting, to her....I don't know that it would be any help...probably not...but, it probably wouldn't hurt , either. That way it would shut up the people who are telling you to "fight for your marriage". I sure don' think that waiting around for a long time, being her personal door mat is in your best interest, though.....In the end, she is going to do what she is going to do...
these are my thoughts that I am submitting for your consideration....
I was in such shock when we told me all of this I couldn't cry. Since then we've spoken about bills and some things regarding the upkeep of the home but I did calmly ask her why she didn't fight for us. I was emotional then and her response was that she did fight for 2 years (we've only been married for 1.5 years) and I told her that she didn't share anything with me and we didn't fight together or speak with someone who could help and that's what you do in a marriage. That's how you fight for it. She just shrugged her shoulders. I told her how betrayed and broken I felt that she just threw away the commitment of love we made to each other. Again she just shrugged her shoulders. I think for me it would be good to show her and tell her that I want to fight for her. It's up to her what she does but I love her and want to fight for this. I won't beg or plead but if anything, if it ends, then I will know I was honest and did everything I could. I will be consulting with a lawyer, that's just the smart thing to do. If this is a mental health issue and she's not in her right mind I'm more inclined to stick it out but if she has met someone else then I know there will be no change and will have to move on. I know giving myself a deadline is smart too...I will fight but I won't sit around and be a doormat. I appreciate the advice!