Originally Posted by
MindfulMan 
I was wondering the same thing. Can you leave him instead of pushing him away and waiting for him to leave?
He's been very clear, and you are too, about what he didn't like about your drinking.
What was he getting out of your drinking that he's being so nasty and unsupportive in your sobriety? In fact, he's doing everything he can to STOP you making progress in your sobriety!
Is it possible that he used you and your drinking as a scapegoat for anything that he was unhappy about and/or not going the way he wanted it to in life, and you've yanked away that lifering? Is that why he's so terrified about seeing a therapist with or without you, because then he'd have no choice but look inward at himself?
He sound like he very much enabled your drinking. If he hated your drinking so much, why did he go out and get you alcohol?
Does he drink in any way, either alcoholically or in a relatively "normie" way? Could he be upset that he's losing a drinking partner?
I know that there are two sides to every story and I don't know you or your husband...but I doubt you're entirely (or even mostly) wrong here. You're doing the right thing and getting sober FOR YOURSELF, maybe that's why he's upset, you're not doing it for him and becoming more independent.
When's he going to give up the anger? Does he want you to bleed on the floor or something?
It feels that way - that he needs me to be a punch bag (emotionally, but not physically) for the rest of his life. It was that way when I was drinking too, and I was always so ashamed and remorseful of my behaviour when I was drunk that I felt like I deserved it. Now I KNOW I have not and can't ever fully made amends for the **** I put him through when I was drinking, but I've been sober for over eight months, I am in therapy and have a sponsor and go to meetings, I am willing and eager to take responsibility for my part in things and make changes. But allowing myself to be verbally abused on a daily basis isn't part of making amends.
When I met him, he hated his mother - blamed her for everything that went wrong in his life. These days he's on decent terms with his mother and he hates me. I don't think I've ever heard him apologise for anything - and I don't think he's willing to accept that he's a normal human being and might have made mistakes too. He's clinging onto his martyr role with both hands, which means he needs me to be a drunk and a family problem, and things aren't that way any more.
If he can't forgive me I must accept that, and I must take responsibility for my side in it. But it really can't mean that I need to accept this behaviour from him for the rest of my life, can it? He's still on at me to apologise for swearing at him in front of his mother and while I know I didn't do it, it's making me feel crazy.
Drinking - he's not an alcoholic. He drinks lightly most of the time, and heavily when he's upset with me (which he then says it my fault). I don't think he has a healthy relationship with alcohol, but he doesn't have that obsession and inability to stop that we have (as far as I can see from the outside).
He isn't missing a drinking buddy - I used to come up to my room at 7pm and lie in bed getting trashed on my own every single night. Ten or twelve times a year I'd go out and have a massive bender, with friends he doesn't know. I don't see those friends any more, and in the evening I seem to be taking up a bit more space in the family room than he prefers, when I am not out at AA meetings.