Just checking in again - it's been a while since I last posted.
I have a sponsor now and we've done the first three steps together. I am feeling good about that. I have no idea how to pray, but I sit on my bedroom floor and read the step three prayer aloud. Then I say, 'I can't take care of all this. I think you can. Please take care of it all' which is the most heartfelt and honest I know how to be right now. I don't know if there's a higher power or not, but I am willing and I am following suggestions. I feel both peace and fear: peace that I don't have to be in charge of everything, and fear that I have no idea how this is all going to work out.
My marriage is getting steadily worse. I am trying to be kind and keep my mouth shut. He's escalating the name-calling (he called me a bitch and a c*** today) and passive agressiveness. Today he's angry because he said I swore at him in front of his mother yesterday. I know, 100% that I didn't. I KNOW I didn't. I said, 'I can see you're really angry. I'm sorry for my part in how we got to this point,' but that wasn't good enough. He called his mother in a rage and wanted her to confirm that I had sworn at him. She said she didn't hear me say anything. I am horribly embarrassed that he pulled her into it.
I KNOW that marriages are often really bumpy during early sobriety. I've asked if he'd like to see a therapist with me, and he's refusing to go to any 'mumbo jumbo' because he doesn't have any problems or anything to work on, doesn't have anything he needs to say, and all I need to do is *insert massive list of character defects here, some fair, some not* and then his life would be great.
It's horrible. HORRIBLE. I go to AA meetings and I feel amongst friends and equals. I come home, and it's like he needs me to be contrite and admit that I'm absolute scum before he can be at peace.
He enabled a lot of my drinking: most of the alcohol I drank, he bought it for me. Drinking was my choice and my responsibility, and everything I did while I was drinking is my responsibility to sort out and clean up. I know that. But he's unhealthy too and I am thinking that my sobriety is going to implode my marriage because the only marriage he wants to have is one where I'm contrite, shamed, guilty and doing anything he says to make it up to him. When I am calm and peaceful and not letting him abuse me, it seems to ignite things.
I think I want him to leave. I am just sitting quietly tonight and trying to say my prayer and wait it out. I didn't expect everything to be sunshine and roses, but I didn't expect them to get so much worse.
Can anyone share experience with me?