Currently drunk and ashamed.
Hey there soberfriends
I have something I need to admit to you all, and that's that I drank tonight, a lot.
I am currently about 15 cans of lights beer down (because in my idiot alcoholic mind, if it's light beer, that's like being normal!).
Urgh.
I don't have any excuses, there is no excuse and this is not an attempt to make people feel sorry for me. I messed up, I messed up bad.
What drove me to the edge today was my friend who was very sick dying sooner than we might have expected, a lot, lot sooner, in fact.
Like I said, I don't view anything as justification, this is just me... explaining how I got to this point.
The misery of the entire situation has been f*****g brutal, the sheer agony that we witnessed to someone helpless and of no fault of their own, even with modern medicine, has changed the way I will look at the world forever and not positively.
So, what did I do? I drank. I picked up four at first, thinking it was reasonable to drink on such an occasion, then more and more. None of them made me happy, they barely relieved the pain at all.
To be honest, I try to stay positive, but the whole world seems dark to me right now. I find it hard to see a future that is positive and I've felt that way for a while.
But I know today was a mistake.
As hard as it is to see anything being good I was getting there. I need to see tonight as a crash rather than a write off.
To be honest though I'm kind of lost, I see things as being sad and only getting sadder.
I just want to be happy, I hope by working hard I can make that happen.