Posting to hold self accountable.
I DON'T want to drink. I just want to be happy again.
Today is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. We had big plans for today, to celebrate her special day. She has never had much done for her from previous significant others and I was going to spoil her today. But....lost love.....because of my drinking (my choice to drink) over putting her, and our relationship first. I wanted to balance both, justified it because she drinks, but I failed, and here I am, feeling worse then usual.
I woke up at 12:02am last night, like my self conscious KNEW it had just turned her birthday. If things were different, I would have had her next to me in my bed. I would have gently kissed her and wished her a happy birthday, and cuddled up with her. Instead I tossed and turned for hours trying to get back to bed.
I had gifts and flowers for her I was going to surprise her with when she went to work. I dropped them off at work anyways, so she will still get them, now I wish I hadn't done that. I don't know how it'll be accepted, will she throw everything away? Will she say anything to me? Ignore it all? I'm an anxious mess right now, mind racing, can't focus on anything clearly.
I made the mistake of checking her Instagram last night when I was rolling around, it's the only way I can see into her life at all these days. She posted she hopes this next year is better then the last. That was a knife twisting in my heart as I was a HUGE part of her and her daughter's last year. We had so many more good times amongst the bad, but the bad defined the year for her.
Thank you for all the support I've received this difficult week, today is Day 4, and I'm terrified for today, and this weekend.
Stay strong, friends, I will too.