My mother and I had a very strained relationship. Capital "V."
After years of frustration I finally came to peace with it by understanding that she wasn't going to change - that I had beat my head against that wall for the last time. That it was not about her being a good mother or acting in ways that were pleasing to me but it was about me being as good a daughter as I could be in the moment, and not striking back when she did what she always did. It was about surrender. It was about forgiving her and myself.
It got much more peaceful inside my head when I didn't react to her. I learned to walk away, politely hang up the phone, whatever it took. I stopped fighting and things became peaceful. She didn't change, but my inner serenity did.