I'm so scared.
Just wanted to introduce myself. I am very thankful to find this board and just to type all of this out in hopes that someone is listening. I am a 36 year old mother of 3 and I am a alcoholic. I don't know how this happened to me. I started drinking heavily about 6 years ago . In that time I've had 3 kids and so was completely sober for at least a year with each one. In between pregnancies my drinking escalated quickly. I turned into a stay at home Mom after my second child. My husband works 6 days a week so I spend a lot of time alone with my 3 small kids. My drinking started out as a few beers in the afternoon.. a few glasses of wine after kid bedtime. After I quit nursing my last child 2 years ago it stated getting way out of hand. I was bored and lonely and stressed taking care of 3 small kids alone all day. It turned into a few bloody Mary's in the morning, a few vodka sodas late afternoon, a few more after bed time. 3 months ago I started having pain in my right side ribs. I wasn't sure if it was my liver or associated with my severe back pain that I acquired after being a full time hairstylist for 13 years plus a spine issue that I was born with. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me. I got my liver levels checked and a ultrasound done. My doctor said everything was fine. so of course I justified that as a ok to start drinking again. I've managed to stay away from hard alcohol since then but switched to beer in a "attempt to ween myself" . I still drink everyday but I've managed to get myself down to 3 beers a day. I guess that's ok since at my lowest point I was drinking 3/4 a bottle of vodka a day or 2 bottles of wine. I'm so terrified, I don't want to kill myself and leave my kids behind. I feel like a terrible mother, they are my life and have never been neglected in anyway. In my warped mine I felt like I was a "funner more relaxed Mom" after a few drinks. Now I realize that I let things get out of control due to my own stress and anxiety. Right now my anxiety has me convinced that I didn't permanent irreversible damage to my liver which adds to my guilt. My pain is in my ribs and wraps around to my back but feels like bone/muscle pain. I know I got everything checked 3 months ago but could I have done severe damage since because I didn't quit? I'm terrified, I am alone, I can't go to AA because I have no childcare. I opened up to my husband and he just said "ok quit drinking" I feel like nobody understands me, I feel like I've failed my kids and i already have terrible anxiety issues and this pain in my side has me convinced I'm dying. I'm constantly pushing on it, checking my color of my eyes, googling liver failure symptoms. How did my life get like this? If anyone is here that can relate or even help I would appreciate it more than you know. Thank you for taking the time to read.