I've always let something far in the future, some possibility or mistake, or end goal freeze me. I look at the end goal and it's so far away I'm overwhelmed. I don't look at things as one step at a time. Nothing is really a dream scenario that I've spoken about. All of that was within my grasp when I got my BA 5 years ago. Now it's more complicated and 5 times more work. However you're correct, I have continually seen the goal as Godzilla and run the other way.
It just takes steps to get there. I have shunned those steps because of a block and fear.
Example with the booze. I talked about getting out of my loft apartment in that nasty city I was in for 4 years. I wanted out and did nothing about it. It became very depressing after 19 years there. I quit drinking in July. In 60 days I gave 30 days notice and was unloading everything I owned. I actually came in ahead of schedule and got out of there before the 30 days was up. At 90-100 days I was in a condo on the beach, doing yoga, and getting ready to leave the country. Then these auto immune things got far worse and I ended up back here. Again though, I shunned the steps to possibly get well over the last 8 months!!
I feel this environment is toxic, and I've got to get out of it. If you lived with 5 drinking bros in a neighborhood riddled with bars, you'd move right? Same thing here, just in a different way. Like a town in a Stephen King novel, there is something here that many people will acknowledge is very off, disconcerting, and dreadful. Like a King novel most people ignore it and go on like a demonic clown isn't murdering children. The kids are all runaways, end of story. People turn a blind eye. I know that's not the case. The clown is out there.
I don't need to convince anyone, except myself. I'm just trying to help you understand my thinking.
Thanks for the patience. I actually feel bad that I failed you guys. And Axe, thanks for acknowledging that I can do those things with time. They aren't unattainable by any stretch of imagination.
V