Hi there. I'm coming here knowing i need some changes but still confused I guess? I'm in my 30s, have a beautiful family, wonderful job and feel overall very blessed. However, I drank a lot in my 20s. I've never been physically addicted (I don't think so...or I've never had apparent withdrawal symptoms), or had any of the 'alcoholic textbook consequences' (DUI, blackouts, can't keepa job, fights etc ?? Hope that's not offensive...learning as I'm getting older there are lots of 'responsible' people w alcohol issues too) etc. But I definitely acted irresponsible in my 20s (in a lot of ways emotionally) due to alcohol. I would say I drank almost daily after work a 6 pack of some variety of lite beer (ultra, bud light, miller). I never drank wine or liquor. I know that sounds like a lot, and it does to me too looking back, but back then I didn't think anything of it... honestly I thought 6 lite beers over 4 hours was being healthy lol. I did go through long periods of complete sobriety too with pregnancies and for whatever else (breastfeeding etc).
Now, into my 30s, I'm realizing (just now) that I think I have an unhealthy love of beer. My drinking on paper now-adays sounds manageable at (anywhere from/between/to) 3-12 beers / week but I want it to b none sometimes and def no more than 7/week ever and I just never meet that goal. I'll tell myself no beer for 1 month and I always give in. I'll go2 weeks and find some reason to relax w a couple beers (unless I was pregnant...I love my babies more than myself, thank God).
Main reason why I'm conflicted is bc of my health. I've noticed since my last pregnancy a few years ago that if I drink more than 2 days/week, around 2-3 beers each time, I get a weird pain in my back right shoulder blade which is obviously near my liver. This terrifies me but obviously not enough. Honestly it pisses me off (and I guess this is partly why I'm confused and here...bc Who gets mad over beer). It's like, now for the past 6 years or so, where I've really tried to be healthier and better, and now i can't have a few beers a week w/o fear and possibly some very scary physical consequences! ? (I know that sounds childish but that's how I react surface level).
So there lies my confusion...I obviously have issues if I'm 'mad' that I cannot have a beer.. even if it's only a couple on the weekend, or 1 a few nights a week...I've tried all those combos to b 'healthy' yet the fear is still there. So why can't it b none. Why do I like beer, and beer only, so much! Why can't I go a month w/o one.
I think what scares me more is that if I DO go a month, at the end of it, I'll Know the responsible thing to do is to never drink again. Bc the stopping/starting/scheduling thing is annoying and exhausting that I even have to think about it (can't have any this weekend, had 5 during week... let's go2 weeks w none etc. ). And that means I can never enjoy a cold, frothy beer on a crisp fall day w my husband ever again. It sounds so dumb doesn't it. At this point I'm just terrified that my '20s drinking' has really wrecked my liver and even my 'within guidelines' drinking is going to do me in early. I love my kids. I'm a good, responsible mom to them but personally this is driving me crazy and I fear leaving them early bc of something so dumb. Then I tell myself (come fri night after they r in bed) 'what's 2 beers-that's not going to kill me'. But what if it is already. Why can't i b happy w none?
thank you for listening. This is my first time ever, to anyone, admitting that I *love* beer AND that I seem to have issues cutting it out completely.