Feeling empty
With the divorce finalized in June things were a bit of chaos for a while with attacks via text off and on from my XAW. They were the waves of nice and nasty for a while.
Finally, the end of July she set up her supervised visits. I was happy for her and our kids that she moved forward with that.
Over the next month she texted many times just for conversation. At one point she stated she still has feelings for me. Hopes of me being in her future.
I can't help but say that tugged real hard on my heart. I did reply that she was in a relationship with a guy and it wasn't rite to discuss feeling for one another under those circumstances.
I believe if she truly felt that way she would be on her own trying to figure her out.
As for me, outside of screens before every visit there is no recovery work. No meetings, no program just the bare min of what's required by the divorce papers.
So 5 weeks in is still an accomplishment.
My oldest recently decide to not go to visits because she's not comfortable. I told her it was ok because that's up to her to process. It's not because of the way visits are. She's just not comfortable with her mom rite now.
I believe she expected recovery work along with all this. That was my daughter's boundary. She wanted mom to do rehab.
It's all so confusing. I still love my XAW. I just had to let my mind run the controls because she's not healthy for me. My brain knows that and with good reason.
I wish my heart would just let go.
I just needed to vent a bit.
Take care,
TD