Natalie13

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on here and I am just looking for some advice/support... I broke up with my boyfriend exactly one month ago but have had no office contact for two weeks. We were dating for one year when he moved here from another state for me. He's 32 and I'm 24... when we both first met, we felt like we were each other's soulmates, however; I did learn a lot about him and his addictions quickly into the relationship. He has had a few (cocaine, cigarettes and alcohol) which he told me he had come clean of all of those... it was hard for me to accept at first because I don't drink regularly and I have never tried a drug in my life, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him and because of the many family issues he had. He blamed a lot of his issues on how he was raised, how his father abandoned him and how he was verbally abused by
others in his family. I never caught him doing any drugs or smoking when we were together however he would downplay his drinking addiction and would tell me that he was never addicted, he drinks a lot but he could stop it when he wanted to... me being young and nieve, I believed him and didn't believe his family members who straight out told me that he can't drink and that unneeded to make sure he didn't. I was so busy with grad school that I didn't have much time to observe his drinking habits, however, there were a few incidents where I did witness him drink and I saw his personality switch. He became mean, aggressive and looked for fights with either me or random people when we were out. It was a scary scene and I was unable to control him the way I could when he was sober. He would be irrational and would begin to verbally abuse me. He called me every name under the sun and would tell me that God is going to punish me if I leave him, he would tell me to go f*** myself and tell me I'm mentally disturbed. The breaking point was when we went to go visit his mother for a week in her hometown and she told me she hid the liquor bottles on him. The whole week we were there he would buy bottles of whiskey and drink it straight from morning until night, and again, his personality would switch and he would treat me terribly. I let that week go and the following weekend on Memorial Day weekend, we went away with my family to my summer house. On the drive up, he asked me to stop at the liquor store, I said okay because I didn't want an argument... he came out with 7 airplane size bottles of jack Daniels and a bigger size of vodka. I asked him why he bought vodka when he never even drinks that and his response was that there wasn't enough whiskey. Since I was driving he has about 3 of those bottles in the car and then had another one later that night. The next morning I woke up and came down to his room to find him chugging vodka straight out of the bottle at 10:00am before we headed to breakfast, on top of that we went to breakfast and shopping in town and he drank about 5 glasses of straight whiskey between 11:00-3:00pm. At one point I went shopping in a store and he told me he would be right back, and I got a gut feeling so I left the store and sure enough found him in a restaurant a few stores down sitting at the bar ordering a drink. He then became irrational and started fighting with people on the street. I walked away out of embarrassment and then he began to attack me that I should never leave his side no matter what the situation is. He fought with me so bad until I was hysterically crying. The day only got worse as he began to fight with an employee at the supermarket in front of my parents. Later that night we went to a club with my sister and her friend where he proceeded to drink more and treated us so terribly. That night I broke up with him and told my parents that I was done. However, a week later, I decided to give it a second chance because I truly loved him and he convinced me that if I stuck with him he would never ever have a sip of a drink again and we could get through this. I continued to go to church with him weekly, i began looking up different things to do together to help him such as yoga, I spent everyday with him and got him a therapist that he began seeing weekly. I wanted to do everything I could to help him in a healthy way. I even made him rekindle with his stepfather and try to rekindle with his father because I believe some of those situations are the reasons that he has these issues. I worked so hard and put so much effort into helping him have a healthy successful life and my parents did not speak to me for a full month. They would not accept me going back to him and helping him because they though I deserved better. It was a very tough time for me between Memorial Day until I broke up with him in august. Even though he gave up the drinking addiction, I became his new addiction. He didn't let me spend time with my family or friends and if he didn't get what he wanted he began to verbally abuse me again. He would try to make me feel guilty by saying "what's more important?? Me or them?? Or I need you or make me your priority I do everything for you and you do nothing for me, or be a big girl and stand up to your family!" Meanwhile I was standing up to my family every single day by standing by his side even though they wouldn't speak to me in my own house. I wasn't even allowed to take my phone out when I was with him or check a text. He wanted to be with me from the moment I got out of work until as late as I possibly could. If I had plans with my cousins, or my sisters I wasn't allowed to go. When I told him about a future one week vacation I was going to go with my family to, his first question was "well are you going? What about me?" As if I was crazy to want to spend a week with my family! He became more and more verbally abusive and turned the whole situation around by saying he made one mistake and my family is so judge mental and the whole reason we are having issues is because of them, they are such horrible people. He became the victim again. I try to rationalize with him and explain that my parents are not judgemental, they are judging your actions and they have every right to because they are concerned about me, my safety and my future! Then he went to blame me that this is my fault and that if I really loved him I wouldn't give up so quickly and that he will find someone who will love him unconditionally and never leave his side. He also knows how to push my guilt buttons by saying "if something ever happens to me you'll regret not saying I love you".... my heart is torn because I know this relationship has become so unhealthy and toxic and can never go back but it's a hard day for me and right now I feel weaker than usual... I wish he didn't have these issues and that it could work. He also will not call himself an alcoholic, he says he drinks a lot but can control it. I think he is one. Does anyone have any advice??
Thank you!