HI kona5. I can really relate to the depression and shame, it’s so crippling and i really feel your pain.
For me, the first thing that made a difference was to admit to myself that I had absolutely no power over alcohol; that the truth was that my drinking was killing me and my life was a train-wreck that I could not stop.
Secondly, I opened up to people in my life about what was going on. The support was overwhelming and the relief I felt was immense; finally my dirty little secret had been told.
Then, like everyone else here I got help. Spoke to my psychiatrist, read forums, spoke to clinical detox/rehabs and started my journey. I’ve fallen over lots of times and it has been hard and painful. But compared to how hard and awful my life was before it has been a much easier ironically.
Make the choice and go for it :-)