Dandy and Bekind- I think that's the hook of fear I have. I want so much to believe I am extraordinary that I am afraid to be his memory someday. It's as though even if I am a memory, I want to know I am not so replaceable for him. Did you experience those feelings? A fear of being someone your mate would talk of someday with a new partner? Perhaps his obsession with me has given me a sense of uniqueness / that if I let go fully, I'm just a number.
Dandy you are right, I found a condom not belonging to us in his bag. He also had a 3 month affair while I was with him, sleeping with another woman last year. (And likely others)
He toggles between obsession with us and looking elsewhere when I cannot be there for him. It's most definitely a hook for me, a way to control being there because of fear he will act out if I'm not.
He is a lonely type of man. No real friends or hobbies. I think it's a big factor for his neediness.