Puzzled - I'm sorry that happened to you. I think about things like that too, what it would feel like to be with someone who would be good and loving in actions and would never want to make my life harder.
He use to be really nice when I was sick, he still is, but not when in active addiction. Even Wednesday when I said I felt I was coming down with something he made dinner and couldn't wait to take care of me. Dinner got made, but he was too drunk to do the last part. I ended up taking care of him.