Sparkle - I am so happy you've pointed this out. So insightful. You are 1,000 percent correct in your observation! Want to know what I've noticed? That when I speak that way it allows me to hide behind the monster of dealing with life because I'm too afraid. Because if I can blame the universe for making me sick, it takes the owness off of me and now I'm not the bad guy for saying no (hey it's not MY fault I'm sick and can't see you). So when Abf said to me yesterday that he still wants to spend the weekend together, I found myself panicking. Panicking because while I did want to see him, I knew in my gut it would be wrong. Wrong because I'd be allowing an active and untreated addict back into my home and even if he didn't drink this time, I would feel weak and fall back into pretending the recent drinking episodes didn't happen. Until they inevitably happened again.
I get sick bc well, ppl do. So my mind says, "how great! You don't have to tell him no or make a decision! You're sick now so you can just not see him because, well, your sick so he'd have to understand it wasn't because of him. I mean, you don't want him to feel bad right? Now you don't have to because you are sick so here's your excuse!"
You've hit the nail on the head. I speak that way so I don't have to make uncomfortable choices and be responsible for them.