You say you don't want to give it up completely......but your story is strongly peppered with words like "I hate myself", "I don't even know who I am as a person", "this world is ****", "I wish I could do better for my family"............
Sounds like alcohol is ruining your life and has ruined you as a person. You hate yourself, have no self esteem, feel like the world is against you...all because of alcohol. You'd be amazed how many of these thoughts would change with some sober time under your belt. How about challenging yourself to 6 months strictly sober? It's a start.
Best of luck.