Stuck
Every morning I wake up..... When I say morning, I mean 3 AM because I've drank the night before an experience my usual bout of alcohol insomina....and when I wake up I google things for hours about how to stop myself from drinking.
The thing about it is... I don't want to give it up completely. My wife drinks, my friends do. My family does on holidays.
Who doesn't want a drink to celebrate at thanksgiving?
Anyways, I wake up, I hate myself... i go to work, I come home and I drink until bed time.
I don't have friends that aren't friends if my wife. Had a hard childhood and was anti social.
I don't even know who I am as a person. As soon as I got out of my late teens and started acting more like an adult.... I started this bad habit. Probably because I realized this world is ******.
My excuse has always been that this world is a scary place, so why not have a drink to get by.
But my body is tired and I only have one life to live... how to I end this cycle? I have literally argued out loud to myself with a bottle of vodka sitting in front if me.... "don't do it again"...."why not? It's the only thing that will calm you down"
I'm such a bundle of tension all the time. I wish I could do better for myself and my family...
I never got to discover myself as an adult because I've been drowning myself with poison.
I need help.