That evil AV of mine
As mentioned before i recently relapsed, in my vacation.
I went through 3 weeks in a constant battle with my AV, as i was travelling to some music festivals in southern europe with my GF.
When i went to buy an ice tea or a cola my AV would say "Why dont you get a beer or a shot too and gulp in down without anyone noticing, you will feel better surely" I quieted it down by reasoning that i would never stop at 1 and if I did get away with it once, i would keep doing it until i was drunk and ruined everything.
My AV would then suggest i told people i could have just 2-3 beers and surely they would help me moderate. I quited it down by saying i wouldn't manage, and if anybody would try stop me drinking after i started i would get abusive and ruin the event for everyone, so i managed to stay sober.
I then returned home, and had tickets for one more festival, i had planned to attend with old friends who didnt know i quit.
Now my AV said "Yes, I know if you drink now you will most likely end up on a bender for weeks, risking losing my job, waste all my money, risk losing my GF, embarresing myself, ruining my health and possibly drink myself do death - but isnt that better than either admitting you are sober or just cancelling the ticket" and for some odd reason i fell for this brilliant idea.
It's tough to know i have a part in my brain that actually wants to kill me. I have been so low before i had suicidal thoughts, but in those moments my basic survival instinct kicked in, and i pushed through the bad times. But my AV seems to be so evil and powerful it wants to overrule my survival instinct, take everything from me and make me drink myself to death.
This is a really powerful beast we alcoholics have to deal with inside ourselves...