notgonnastoptry

I don't think I did better while drinking. I know I did. How do I know this? We receive highly detailed evaluations and performance reports that measure every possible metric of the job (I'm talking about 20 pages and we are measured over the course of many months). I haven't said what I do for a living, but I'm sure people have guessed. I'm not trying to be coy or cagey, but I'm also trying to remain somewhat private.

So yeah, it's not the classic, "I thought I was so cute and smart while drunk." It's not the meme that shows people dancing and says: "How you picture yourself when drunk" and, then, "How you are when drunk."

No uniqueness hoped for. I'm very frustrated.

If it were all in my head or a psychological thing, time will tell because I'll be evaluated again in a few months. The good news is, I feared this was going on back in April, but my evaluations turned out much the same. This is the first time I've been back in this peculiar position since my drinking days (I've been sober for 15 months).

To answer another question--I have no idea how I did this. It was repeated performance, so not a one time gig or lecture. The amount of stuff I did at that point in preparation for these things makes me feel intimidated and tired. And everything was error free (this was my complaint back in May--I seem to be more careless now).

The only thing I can think of is that I was extremely high functioning and scared of losing the last bastion of sanity. Maybe now I'm complacent. I don't know, but this isn't enjoyable.

And, no. This isn't a humble brag. If you check my post history, it's a series of being down on myself, whether it's about my job, personal life, married life, etc.