Post vacation
I feel the need to check in here for a sanity check. I find myself second guessing myself now that it's getting to the wire with filing.Saw my therapist yesterday for a much needed session and moments of clarity for me occurred. But today -- I just feel a lot of hurt. And rejection.
My daughter and I enjoyed our vacation without him. There was some drama one day with my brother who has. Mental Ilness and has been hospitalized for much of this past year. But other than that, I made sure to relax, and enjoy the peace with my child. She missed her dad but after the first night she seemed ok. I always encourage her to express herself.
He wanted to face time the first few days. He was even conversational and loving to me. The night before we were set to return, he seemed off and the day we were about to return he didn't even ask after us. Of course daughter was thrilled to see him, but that very night, he picked a fight and said a lot of hurtful things, calling me names, saying awful things about my parents, and called his dad to complain about what an awful wife I am, emotionally abusive, a bully, etc. since then, it's been back to "normal". He says I'm
not a good person, I'm a bully, all I do is criticize him and don't treat him like an equal so he's depressed, asks why he should quit drinking for me and that he will act like a proper husband when he has a wife. Says I'm obsessed with our relationship and with "saving" him. Says I'm
The one giving up on our marriage by not changing and divorcing. He told his dad (I was in the house) thAt he will never leave us and if I want to leave him, I should stop being a coward and do it.
So we are back to not communicating. As long as I keep my mouth shut and accept this, and his way, all will be fine for us.
Not for me. I see that I don't want to continue living a life of pain and anger, of being told that he knows the. Real me and that I'm a phony, and I don't want to continue the cycle of dysfunction for our beautiful child. I don't want her feeling the weight of being his sole source of happiness and love.
I guess I'm alternately feeling hopeful and relieved for myself and sad/angry at how far we have come apart. I know I can't save him, that he won't get help for my or our family's sake, he acts like he doesn't even like me- no concern over my welfare or feelings. It's not my responsibility.
But it does still hurt.
Just wanted to get it off my chest.